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hi
this is just a notice because people keep messaging me at this jjanga account. i don't use Refuge23 anymore. you can find me at xanga.com/Denouemente.
thank you
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Refuge 23.
because the Lord is my Refuge.
because of the 23rd psalm.
Denouemente.
because it's time for a change.
today i appreciate: six years on xanga.
/sdg.
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Man must be disappointed with the lesser things of life before he
can comprehend the full value of the greater. Edward Lytton
"i knew that she hadn't been praying for me. it's one of those things you can just tell when you're close to someone.. not to say it wasn't partially my fault, but i just knew that she wasn't praying for my growth anymore. you can always tell..."
my heart twisted to hear those words. how lonely it must have been.. how hurt he must have felt. ah, but what testament of His enduring healing is this man now! the Light is reflected even more brightly through the once-shattered pieces of such painful memory.
i often wonder how much further i will be broken in this life before i am made fully complete. i get worried that i won't be able to take it, that i'll lose heart in the middle of it and fade quietly into the so-called silent exodus. only time will tell. only God truly knows.
in college i've found myself in the middle of groups a lot. people laughing, maybe a little harder than necessary, their eyes darting this way and that way, giving away their uneasy feelings of insecurity. people talking brightly, animatedly, blabbering on and on about the mundane and distant, scared to confess anything that hits too close to home. many times i've been swept up in the masquerade, playing the part, repeating the well-rehearsed lines, hitting my cues to laugh or gasp or dance or exit.
sometimes i get lucky and a quiet moment settles in-between the lines. and i'll whisper, "hey off the record..", i'll lean in closer to the other person as i take off my mask. i'll say sotto voce, "so.. how's it really been?"
their eyes will recognize the longing in my eyes for something true, for something real. and they'll take off their mask and exhale and admit, "you know.. not too well. not too well at all." or they'll take off their mask and their eyes will sparkle and they'll smile, "well, i finally figured out that problem now.." and sometimes they'll take off their mask, shrug lightly and easily say, "life's been good these days." they'll look at me and ask, "what about you?" and i'll either exhale or smile or shrug. regardless of which happens, the important thing will be that our masks are off.
have you ever gotten that email about how people will be mean, but love them anyway? how there will be sad times, but smile anyway? how you'll fail again and again, but try again anyway?
living the "anyway" life is crushing, if you don't have the right "because" to follow it up.
love them anyway because ...? smile anyway because ... ?
an "anyway" life in a world whose "because" goes back to itself will kill you.
don't fool yourself.
who you are now is who you will always be, regardless of what you
learn. what makes you a better person is how well you control who you
are for the sake of someone else's benefit. that's sacrifice. you do it
often enough, that's love. but don't become a pushover. that's .. a
waste.
if you are what you do, and you repeatedly feel bad about what you do, then the only reason that you still continue to do it must imply that you don't care enough to change it.
the question i asked. why can't i do these things the "anyway" way?
why don't i care enough yet?
the answer.
because. because He isn't my sole "because" yet.
oh.. i softly replied.
oh.
today i appreciate: "You did not wait for me to draw near You, but You let me hear Your voice calling me." orbit gum. mango. fruity pebbles.
/sdg.
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| It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness. Charles Spurgeon
k g : i gave u your camera right??k g : bc.. i dont see it in my drawer...wohunswai: yesk g : oh goooooooodk g :  wohunswai: i could've given u a fright right there  k g : u talk like a grandma
trevin and i were talking about something last night in the kitchen when he sheepishly started to smile.
i squinted at him. "why are you smiling?" i demanded.
trevin kept slowly smiling. "you call andrew fiddy, right? and you're supposed to be fiddy too? fiddy the second or something..?"
i warily replied, "yeaah...?"
he started giggling. "hee hee hee...it's because you guys were talking about how you guys are equal, right? fifty-fifty?" trevin's shoulders began shaking as he started to laugh harder.
now i was really curious. "uh huh.. that's right.." i hit his arm. "so why are you laughing?"
trevin was giggling so hard his eyes were closed. "hee hee hee.."
he stepped a little closer and whispered, "i call him quarter.. HAHAHAHA!!"
he leaned against the wall as he rolled with laughter.
i had a confused look on my face.
trevin managed to explain between gasps. "hehehehe because.. hehehhee...you have more power in the relationship, hahahhaa so he's only TWENTY-FIVE. a QUARTER! AAAHAHAHAHA!" and then trevin pounded the wall as he burst into a new fit of giggles.
i thought it was adorable how such a tall guy can have the sweet innocence of a toddler. but the fact that he was perceptive enough to recognize who holds the power in this relationship proves that trevin is also wise beyond his years.
my phone rings. i look at the screen. it's bo.
i pick it up.
me : "hello?"
her : "..MMHMMmm?"
:silence:
i was genuinely wondering .. did i just call her or did she call me?..
it turned out she was chewing something when she called me and just wanted to let me know that she was on the line. she was so excited to talk that she couldn't even wait to finish chewing before calling me.
i casually mentioned to jayjay online that a lot of his recreational activities were rarely enjoyed by most guys. he got a little defensive.
joobaccca: so what if i like to bake
joobaccca: and design girly websites
joobaccca: and dress my hair in flowers
joobaccca: and occasionally wear a thong to emphasize
k g : i'm gonna have a jjanga update tomorrow
joobaccca: my beautiful man toe hairs
last weekend babytomin and i were emcees for the ccm banquet. we hadn't had any time to get together beforehand to figure out what we were going to say or do. so while the people were starting to eat their dinner and the slideshow was playing the two of us were off to the side behind the podium frantically trying to think of clever ways to introduce each performance. the first act was gonna be the freshmen class so we had to think of a joke we heard or make one up that would incorporate the word "freshmen". we silently wracked our brains for a good couple of minutes.
"OH! I GOT ONE!" he hit the podium triumphantly.
i excitedly patted him on the back. "GOOD JOB!! what is it?"
babytomin cleared his throat and said, "ok, so i'll say to you hey garnet.. what do cannibals like to eat?"
"ooohhh good one!!" i nodded in approval. the joke totally worked with the word 'freshmen'. "ok so then i'll say i don't know, jacob, what? and then you'll say.." i pointed to him and waited for him to finish it.
he beamed. "RAW-MEN! HAHA that's funny huh? okay next one.."
"jacob.. wait.. wouldn't it make more sense to say FRESH MEN?"
babytomin's face lit up. "OH that's a GOOD ONE!" and he scribbled it down on the program. i bit my tongue and we rushed on.
ok seriously, the whole night babytomin and i were wincing inwardly every time we delivered a joke. i remember i said the punchline and was waiting for people to laugh.. but all i heard apart from the deafening silence was the air conditioner blowing through the vents (and actually.. a BBUH!).
halfway through the banquet we announced a brief intermission. babytomin and i turned to each other and said something like "oomy.. worst emcees ever" to each other. two more hours to go. we pitied the people.
someone tapped me on the shoulder. i turned around. it was stanley and he looked really serious.
"hi." he said in that monotonous no-joke-all-business voice of his.
"uh.. hi?" i said.
"your jokes.." he wasn't smiling or anything.
"uhm ..yeah?" i meekly replied.
he still looked serious. "do you think.."
i braced myself for complaints, criticisms, reprimands.
he started gushing, "do you think that you can write them down for me? i have this banquet i'm supposed to emcee next week and i really think your guys's jokes would be cool to use!! i mean seriously, where did you get them? are they on a paper?? can i see your notes??" he was glancing at the podium to see if we had written them down anywhere. "i mean, if you can email them to me or something that'd be great!! you think so? yeah?"
i was trying to figure out if he was making fun of me or if this was a clever ruse of the people in an attempt to overthrow the sweating emcees. bc i couldn't believe that he was actually being serious.
but apparently he was. i don't know whether to applaud him bc he appreciates the same kind of humor i do, or to pity him bc he appreciates the same kind of humor i do.
thank You for assuring us that though we may cry, we will laugh again someday.
thank You for the promise of laughter.
Ecclesiastes 3:4
"A time to weep, a time to laugh; a time to mourn, a time to dance."
today i appreciate: that my mom says i love you to us. yesterday's ccm prayer meeting.
/sdg.
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| first corinthians 13...
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy;
love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;
does not behave rudely, does not seek its own,
is not provoked, thinks no evil;
does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
thank you for showing me in the most excellent way.
today i appreciate: how he stayed. cherries. honey wheat bread. learning living pressing on.
/sdg | | |
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